The plural mockerer...Godsend

Ricky : Panchi, why do i need you so much?

The present perfect ...

Panchi,

I don't know if i've lost you, or i am loosing you...

Yous diplomatic behaveour to my love, why take your last illusions from me love..

Atleast give me the physical you and i might .create a lady bird this time...

Am i the writer of my own fate, panchi?

Are you still alive baby??

Why arn'e you here with me, loving me and giving me your arms to endure ...

Why take the pain away from me and leave me downtroden for the whole life...

Why thous faith always cut my fate, like the navy cut.................................................................

--- Me or You ---

p.s. tell me difference and i'll touch your feet first ...

love,
A.R.M

I promise you, smoking causes cancer eventually .

Regards,
Abhinav ...

My heart is of dust and my brain is lure .

     


      05:07 am                                                                  Written on 20th June 2010


To be … and not to be

And I urge your defeated love inside me …. Let it be … let it come out within me …. Engulfing this world … in its wraith ……. And giving the rashes ….. of destiny ……..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With the ecstasy of uncontrolled motion ……………………and then .. . ..death again.

I kill her …. And make her a bride.
A bride of death n……………with non relative aspire …. Inspiring itself , ..more and more ….to the core.

And I say to you … to the world inside me … to you. I am pure... My love is pure ….

..my heart is of dust and my brain is lure .

I still crawl .. within my dreams ….searching for the light …..for her . She never came to me ….she never was mine …. She was always his. Then why do I think he still wants me to have her ….me to love her …me to make her mine as if she was never his …..
                                                           And then comes this voice …..so soothing ….engulfing all my sadness in it …..taking all my pain away from me…..giving me a new sadness to endure ….new wings to fly ….. and then to fall ….. on her …and then she healing my shattered wings ….feeling my serene wounds …shining my scars …..and then leaving ….leaving me after giving me the will to live ….making me fly …and then fading from the sky……………and then going away whispering that voice again in my ears …
… ‘kites…in the sky’


And I ask the world if they felt that it was ……
                                                                ……and they just laugh and say,’you’re just about the words, and nothing real’


And I ask myself ….is the pain real only when it shows. . .

Deception ... for inception

My room , my place                                             25 August 2010

4:12 am

N.. ,

" You are way more beautiful than the essence of beautiful. "

I know what i say, breaks the moral imbalance ,
I know that you portray to this world that you are married ,
I know that you portray to this world that you are a committed soul
I know that you want all to believe, what you want all to see ,

But i give you the right to come to me,
if ever you feel that he has less respect of you ,
I gave you the right to come to me,
if ever you see a hatred for your essence in his eyes ,
I gave you the right to seek me,
if ever you feel he is a mistrust towards you ...


I want you to come to me if you can bestow your faith upon mine, that I will respect you, that I will never share you with any other soul, and I will love you as the God wants to show the feeling of love.


I ask you to ask me for my space ,
I ask you to take one special corner of my heart and rest their forever ,


           if and only if ....you come to me as a new different reflection,
                              you come to me as a new entity than what you were before,
                              and when you're with me , you forget that you were ever married,




And when you go away from me, you remember me .
                                                                                                .
                                                                                . 
                                                   just as a dream ...


                                                                                             love ,
                                                                                               Ricky

                     

Destruction for Construction

The truth always prevail ...

This happened in between the days of 21 August 2010 and 24 August 2010 .
It's time , the world knows the real truth. It's the power of a pen baby ... (in this case , the power of a keyboard ;p )

lol ... i am amazed to see , what just one phone call does. 
I'm not writing this anymore ... let it be , the last remembrance that's unseen.  






O my panchi, I know that you are proudly telling our God what i have done.
I know that by this, i have given you the power of respect. 
I know, that somewhere in the 'Land of Gods' , you are blowing kisses and kisses for me.
I know that i have mocked your illusion with the hands of mine, you protected.

I know that i gave you ...you . 

Ricky

The curled innocence ...

Mc Donalds, Kashmiri Gate, Delhi                                                                                                             15/08/10

07:34 pm

I’m amazed to see her talk so much. I mean, of all the faces I’ve observed yet, her’s is of those which are usually busy with themselves and does not aspire the naturistic reality. But she on the other hand is all about expressions. And with a smile like that, I bet she can score dicap. ^^ A white cutsleeve, elegant top with blue jeans and shiny white and black sandals. But that’s just the presentation; the awesome part is “that even the bold outlook could not match the inner esctasy … of life”. In short, she’s special in all the special ways.

source : Asin

Prologue

The past never leaves you...

'Cinderella' ...he said.

'And why is that what should be my name' ...she replied.

' Well , you know ...i've seen you , i've known you from the past two years. And what i observe ..is that you're something .. i man ..that face and those reactions ...they make a perfect rhythm . You're imaginations ..your talks , the way you see things.The main thing is , you cannot imagine limitless ..and yet you need fear to control you , because believe me  you cannot live with it ...nor without it . '

' Without what ? '

' Without the fear . You know it yourself ...you just dont wanna believe it. '

' Whatever ricky . You talk odd , although i like the name :)   Yeah , somehow it suits me .
  I'll just wait for my rescue prince.. '

' You'll never have him , because even if he's with you ...you'll never be able to realise it. '

' Blah Blah !! Now stop it with your so called theories ....I gotta go . Mom's calling .
  Bbye . '

' Goodbye . '



I never saw her again... she was moving to a new place . That day at dawn , i thought she'd come to say goodbye before leaving ........ But i guess , i was never that important ..or else she was so busy in her own emptiness .
Well , that was fifteen years back . Now , it's all different. I haven't changed ..but i've grown ...a lot. But you know ...i still couldn't forget that last day with her. And whenever i try to tyhink about it .. i'm never able to figure out why i said those lines to her . Was i in love with her ...or was it just like one of my so many predictions. But i want to know ...what was in her eyes that urged me to say those words... I wish , somehow ...i could live that moment again. Somehow she comes back to say goodbye ..Somehow ...

Although i know , its no use thinking about her. I tried to find her ....so much , And atlast when i really found her , after like three years of efforts ..it came to me that she died just a day before i actually found her. She died in a plane crash. They never found her body. The airlines company says either its blown into ashes or its lying somewhere deep in the ocean. They've searched for three days, thus filling the criteria for searching of people in crash incidents. So they dont want to spend any more money in searching. What do they care ...they found 139 out of 140. One does not count that much. In the end, its just a girl..      just a girl that i loved .

Changes ...

Someone wrote this during the best times of my life ... june or september 2009


These pale longing eyes
speak a lot
show the loneliness hidden in his heart
the guilt struck on his soul
the wait that is seered endless
his heart seems to be corked
his thoughts deep within
abducted by his own brain
long living the dilemmas 
Choking his soul ...
                         ..He looks like a junkie
                           His heart and brain fighting
                           He is completely lost
                           his own world killing him
                           his thoughts seething
But he is still falling for the same things,

still calling the same names,
still speaking the same lines,
still loving her rhymless,
still haunted by the same fear..
still killing himself . . .

                                     -Panchi
                                               vv


See how the world shows its fate my love , whatever you wrote , turned out to be the future ...
i still sometimes wonder , what would have happened if you had told me that you'll be forced to die , that you'll be forced to be 'converted' . i wonder if i could have stopped that . But i have given up my love , i have done what you asked me to . I have freed the killer my love , i let her go. I respect your act of forgiveness , but this was the last remembrance my love .... this was the last . As you are no more with me . 
But i'l always ask you in my dreams .... 'Did you know it before ... Did you know she was gonna kill you ..'
And i know i'll never get my answer .... because you are a saint , and you know that i never was . 

                                -Ricky


O my love ... 
Thy's faith will rest in my soul,
Thy's end will never come again ,
Thy's mourne will never be felt ,
Thou's remembrance as my lover will always rest in my deepest secrets,
But i will always believe , that you are my beloved daughter,
who died in vein ...saving my existence ... and thus smiling. 

A.R.M

My X girlfriend

...
Ssup baby , how's life . Lol .
i think i should start on the real thing now :-) one of the main reasons i'm writing this , is cause i seriously dont wanna forget this feeling .. As i eventually do everytime, i have loads of other more important stuff you know ;-). Music is my life , books are my passion , novels are my thrills , love is ... you know what it is for me, but still as i know your stupid brain always assumes the illusion ... So i must state 'girls are my love' ..so true still a blaze . And the people , well they are just my subordinates . And i must thankyou again for teaching me the real meaning of a girl . I was so wrong in the past you know. Girls are those females which can do anything and everything expected or unexpected . Lol. I sometimes seriously laugh at the past me. But dont get too happy my dearest ... This blog aint for your happiness you dumbo , it's just a retribution . Anyways, you'll realise that till i end it . And you know na that dumb is the biggest abuse as i see them. Bah! I'm getting tired writing this shit. And all you readers dont laugh so much on the last line you fuckers cause you all know how much satisfied you feel while your in the loo alone , doing stuff . ;-)

My X girlfriend

...
Ssup baby , how's life . Lol .
i think i should start on the real thing now :-) one of the main reasons i'm writing this , is cause i seriously dont wanna forget this feeling .. As i eventually do everytime, i have loads of other more important stuff you know ;-). Music is my life , books are my passion , novels are my thrills , love is ... you know what it is for me, but still as i know your stupid brain always assumes the illusion ... So i must state 'girls are my love' ..so true still a blaze . And the people , well they are just my subordinates . And i must thankyou again for teaching me the real meaning of a girl . I was so wrong in the past you know. Girls are those females which can do anything and everything expected or unexpected . Lol. I sometimes seriously laugh at the past me. But dont get too happy my dearest ... This blog aint for your happiness you dumbo , it's just a retribution . Anyways, you'll realise that till i end it . And you know na that dumb is the biggest abuse as i see them. Bah! I'm getting tired writing this shit. And all you readers dont laugh so much on the last line you fuckers cause you all know how much satisfied you feel while your in the loo alone , doing stuff . ;-)

My X girlfriend

The cute little red bag ...

3:45pm   22 July '10


McDonalds, Mumbai Central .


She's in white . Her bag's in red . Andi dont know, whats more cute. I see her eyes , and i cant take my eyes off her . And now the side face , omg! She curls her hair once a while . Sadness !! , she's going away from my sight. Aah ! it hurts . :( Okay ! I'm going to ask her ... And here i go ........ Bah! She's sitting in the corner seat with a guy. And there's no other chair to attach. IMBA sadness ! ;(

                                                 for a moment that i saw her , i saw a simple intro(vert) girl standing in a crowd full of strangers, feeling a bit of shy, showing a bit of self defence, letting the world know that she's not just some other girl... It was a curve her cheeks were making , that instantly blew my mind away. I so much wish i could know her. Once , i could hear her voice. Aweee... Ricky is blushing . :) But as the world goes by , so the time will go by .....And so she will .....be, just a girl that i saw . 

A little infatuation ...

4:41 pm , 21 July '10


McDonalds, aundh , pune

And there comes a 12year old , with a grey jacket and black imprinted grey shirt inside ... She has a band on her hair pulling them back a bit , just like my sister used to have when she was a twelve year old :) . And now she's sitting like i occasionally sit while observing people and their fantasies. And now i can just see her side face , still she's looking so innocent ... eating her pizzaMcPuf .

                                            But my real sister sitting in front is getting fed up....
                                                                                                                   So i must move on


                                                ...And so i do

A journey of remembrance

I wrote this while i was in rajdhani express going from delhi to bombay a few days back . I saw a couple sitting on the left side seats of my cabin . They seemed to be a newly married couple . There was an aura of the freshness of new love around them . And it somehow reminded me of the good times of my past love . The way they were talking to each other in hindi , reminded me of the sweet little talk i used to have . It was all so special for me . And at night , around 3 am i saw the girl come down and sleep with her partner . And around 4 am , their faces were so close and seemed to be so happy being there ... it just seemed like that even in sleep they were loving each other ... hugging each other without the essence of touch . And that reminded me , of something i always wanted for my relationship ... something i tried to do once ... something i gave my past love ... a freedom i tried to put in her ...............................

And i wrote this then :

I know my age not speak of my passion for the love of a love

I know thou may be higher than me in the feeling of anxiety and faith 

I know thou may flow with the flow of life mocking me as thou's smaller bearer 

But i must tell you my unknown symbols , my watching of you two at the wake of an hour gave me the remembrance of my one lost love ..

But i must tell you my unknown faith , the bond i see between thou hearts is the bond i always admire 

But i must tell you my unknown brethren , the way i see your spirit of freedom resting in your counterpart ,                                         my memories rejoice and i remember , I tried that too .

dedicated to : the two unknown bearers  and my past feeling of love .

p.s. I dont know why , but i could not write 'once' at the end .

* The word 'brethren' refers to that man , as if saying that hes my brother in a way .

The Disposal of Gold

written on 5:32 am 
25 May 2010 




CONSTRUCT: i love you ...
DESTRUCT: i love you way more ...

CONSTRUCT: i think i cannot live without you.
DESTRUCT: i wont let you live without me.

CONSTRUCT: you're all i ever wanted .
DESTRUCT: do i make you happy abhinav ?

CONSTRUCT: here's your card sweetie .
DESTRUCT: i love it more than you do .

CONSTRUCT: when i touch you, it feels like i'm touching my god .
DESTRUCT: cause i'll be with you , even if he leaves you honey.

CONSTRUCT: you're my destiny .
DESTRUCT: you're my dream .

CONSTRUCT: i want to spend the rest of my life with you .
DESTRUCT: i so much want to too, but i cant. But maybe i will, one day ...

CONSTRUCT: when i see you, i feel like you were born to be mine .
DESTRUCT: aweee ...

CONSTRUCT: please let me sleep na .
DESTRUCT: wake up na honey .

CONSTRUCT: and she says she hates me .
DESTRUCT: :)

CONSTRUCT: you're the one sweetie .
DESTRUCT: i was alwas . Stupid ! :)

CONSTRUCT: i hate you for behaving this way .
DESTRUCT: i hate you for making me do that .

CONSTRUCT: i'm sorry baby , i love you .
DESTRUCT: i'm sorry too , love.

CONSTRUCT: in a way , i like to be dependent on you .
DESTRUCT: But i love it , i want to be your wall .

CONSTRUCT: i miss you so much , its been so much time i've seen you .
DESTRUCT: Aweee , my baby. I miss you more ...morest.

CONSTRUCT: do just this for me na baby .
DESTRUCT: i hate it when you're all dependent on me and stuff .

CONSTRUCT: lets go party .
DESTRUCT: Always ready .

CONSTRUCT: why you do these things. please stop doing them , it hurts so much .
DESTRUCT: i'm sorry , but i'm like this only na.

CONSTRUCT: It's alright baby , i'll change you with my love .
DESTRUCT: i dont think i'll ever change in these things .

CONSTRUCT: then i'll change myself to live with it. although still please try to change . its wrong baby .
DESTRUCT: uh! i was thinking of something else . What were you saying ?!

CONSTRUCT: i dont like him .
DESTRUCT: i dont care .

CONSTRUCT: There are some basic things na sweetie .
DESTRUCT: Ya [ i dont give a fuck ! ]

CONSTRUCT: i feel lonely . it's been so much time i've seen you .
DESTRUCT: Loneliness is self made .

CONSTRUCT: i'm sorry for anything i did .
DESTRUCT: it doesnt matter. its ok though .

CONSTRUCT: lets go somewhere out. i wanna see you .
DESTRUCT: Na ... dont have time .

CONSTRUCT: i love you .
DESTRUCT: Ya .

CONSTRUCT: Do you love me .
DESTRUCT: i dont know .

CONSTRUCT: Dont do this . i love you . Things will be better . Have faith in me .
DESTRUCT: I dont know . I just want to breakup with you .

CONSTRUCT: Why are we doing this if we are almost having a breakup ?
DESTRUCT: It happens between a boy and a girl .

CONSTRUCT: I love you so much baby . I'll be better . We'll pass on through these times .
DESTRUCT: Ya . I love you too . Ya . 


CONSTRUCT: But you said you'll never leave me. You love me so much. Dont do this . I cant                                live without  you . Believe me , i'll keep you happy , way way happy. Please ...
DESTRUCT: I dont care , i want a breakup .

CONSTRUCT: I cant do this , i love you . I cant accept it .
DESTRUCT: No! I want you to accept it . I want you to say and believe it is mutual .

CONSTRUCT: But it is not . You're ditching me . I dont want this .
Idont know about that , just accept this as a mutual breakup for me . Please , for me !

CONSTRUCT: I have never bound you and never will . I gave you all the freedom , all the love and i wont take it back from you .                                Yes , i accept it , but just for you .
DESTRUCT: Ya . Ok . Thankyou .

CONSTRUCT: Ilove you sweetie . Please come back ,. I'll change myself in everything you'll want me to .
DESTRUCT: No! We are just friends now .


CONSTRUCT: But i love you .
DESTRUCT: I dont love you anymore .

CONSTRUCT: But you loved me . And i'm so sure of it . I could see it . No one can prove me wrong . Not even god .
DESTRUCT: I dont know what love is anymore . And even if i did , i dont anymore .

CONSTRUCT: I miss you .
DESTRUCT: Fuck you .

CONSTRUCT: I love you so much . Dont do this .
DESTRUCT: Fuck off .

CONSTRUCT: I've changed in almost everything you complained earlier . Look.
DESTRUCT: So what !

CONSTRUCT: I miss her so much . I tried everything . Why cant i fuckin give up !
DESTRUCT: Aah . I'm going out on a party with my friends .




CONSTRUCT: Enough of it ! I'm out of her ! Let her go to hell ! Now i know what really happened . I have my own life to live . And now its my turn to party ...





DESTRUCT: you make fun of our relationship, our past .
CONSTRUCT: Now its my turn to laugh .

DESTRUCT: Go fuck yourself .
CONSTRUCT: Na ... now i prefer you .

DESTRUCT: Please stop this .
CONSTRUCT: Its my wish ... my life .

DESTRUCT: Dont do this anymore . Please let me live .
CONSTRUCT: Did you let me !!!

DESTRUCT: I beg you .
CONSTRUCT: I dont believe in charity .




ABSTRACT : CONSTRUCT ;

All this time , i thought you still cared for me ...you were helping me in some way i couldn't imagine . But you were NOT . You were just being selfish !

You Hypocratic Bitch !!!

The prediction of the unseen

somewhere around the days of October 2009 ,

We both were sitting below the 'lovers tree' in front of the tuck shop. Somehow she got the idea of writing something . And then i came up with the topic "How Did i Die in 4 Days. " I never knew that what i would write , would actually become my destiny . I never knew that i was writing my future , not my imagination . See the irony of god , i blamed him so much for all the times of my break up phase , and now i see him smiling over me , saying "You wrote it yourself son."

The prediction :

How DID i die in 4 days ?

My last Breath ... It was the biggest breath in my whole life , it stayed for four long days ... and then it was gone ... Everything gone . It started with a cry ... her cry . A call from so close but so far ... she was holding out her hand, but not to touch ... but to say goodbye . They were taking her away ... she wasn't fighting ... she was going away . She wasn't helpless ... but neither was she strong . It was a fight way overpowered than her ... she was still not prepared ... time had come before time ... It wasn't her defeat ... it was mine . The long found love, was lost ... the stars were still there , but the shine was gone ... I didn't know if this showed a ray of hope ... or an indispensable eternity . But ... She was going away ... the separation was going past the time ... She was being snatched away ... with an invisible force ... I couldn't stop her ... because there was no one their taking her away ... It was she only ... and only she ... going away ... towards a crowd but still alone ... lonely now ... lonely forever ... lonely life ... and lonely death...

When i was finally over with it , we compared our writings ... She knew it herself there was no match between their compositions . Still , i always said that hers was better .Her's was a little mis-happening in her dream , just dreaming that she found a knife and thrashed it somewhere . And then whoever was passing by us , we called them up and asked them to read both and compare . And i was running to everyone , telling them in their ears "Say that her's is better . Please . " . I know her brain ,she still thinks it was just a game of mine to show the unreal perspective of my love .... as she never knew , it was way more than real .

The mockery ...

Why is it that the serenity of separation comes back to you if you're indulged ... Why is it that something stops you to follow your will and hurt the one who hurt you... Why is it that even after stopping for the moment and belonging of satisfaction , your heart urges you to do it , while still opposing it as a whole ... Is this the repent of what you had once ... Is this the outcome of your most special times ... Do you have to pay for your past happiness ?! Does the equality of life even asks for the time you were happy ... Do you even have to pay for your good .?! Is it the price for the agreement of dismissal and the acceptance of your replacement . . . Is that how god laughs at you ...one day making you happy to realise that so much more is left to discover , and the other day showing you the remembrance , the eternity of the moments ! Is this the torque of life ..........